Saturday, August 21, 2010

The Ignorance-3000

*[Prologue]: (Can there even be a prologue prior to a blog post?! Anyways.) This piece is titled "The Ignorance-3000", as evident above. It is rather fitting to post this now, I feel, all with what is going on with Islam in media and under so much scrutiny. I originally wrote this a few months back (in April) for a community performance, which was followed by an interactive dialogue, called 'Freedom-a-Nation', while I was a part of a group called The Surrey Urban Youth Project. This event was to use creative mediums to portray how welcoming and inclusive communities could look like in [my] community. Performing this in front of a group of about 200 was incredibly fun and, hopefully, impactful as well! It rendered some laughs and thoughtful questions during the dialogue. Later (in May), I adapted it into a piece of prose to submit to my school's writing contest. Surprisingly, it won first place in the Senior category--but hey, I'm not complaining! ;) Hope y'all enjoy.
p.s. I'm loving all the amazing support I've been getting from you guys about UUU, m'A! Thank you!

[Note]: the following is a work of satire.

*in the voice of an infomercial commentator*
Do you often get showered with compliments? To people automatically assume you’re brilliant and cunning with just one glance? Is it getting tougher and tougher to suppress your rapidly increasing self-esteem?

Well, have no fear, the Ignorance-3000 is here! This product is so simple, even a 13-year-old boy can manoeuvre it!

Imagine this. You’re walking home from school one day.  The sun is shining brilliantly, the birds are sing-a-linging.  Your friends continue to be a source of entertainment, yet embarrassment, as you parade down the streets of Surrey.  Things are perfect--too perfect--so perfect, they’re, in fact, not! Wouldn’t this be the perfect time to add a little ignorance into your life!? The perfect time to salvage this dreadful situation?  With the Ignorance-3000 you can do just that!

To use, simply hold it at a 45 degree angle from your face, turn the nozzle in a circular motion, and the Ignorance-3000 will make the next person that walks by, what else? Ignorant!  Words like, “terrorist!”, “go back to your country!” and other such expletives will begin to rush out of the mouths of those fortunate to walk by, if, for an example, I used the product!

The secret lies within the extract of a rare human attribute--apathy.  Coupled with our finest selection of “lack of knowledge”, this product is simply the best on the market! It will make all your dreams come true! Never will you have to face kindness and tolerance again!

Not convinced? Well, take a look at what some of our satisfied customers had to say.

Customer #1:
I absolutely recommend this product to anyone who’s been going through long durations of happy times. I used it just once, and instantly I was called a “meat-eater” by someone passing by, as I stood next to a stuffed chicken in the Toy section of our local grocery store! It felt great to be interpreted as one thing, when I’m another, especially because I’m a devout vegan!

Customer #2:
For a long time, I’ve relied on news reports of destructive hurricanes and registered sex offenders roaming my neighbourhood as sources of worry for me. But with the Ignorance-3000, I can bring the worrying on to a way more personal level!  Like today, casually walking down the street, I was bombarded with rocks, thrown by a group of girls. They called me ’butch’ and ’dyke’. They told me to make up mind: was I a girl or a boy?
Being insulted by strangers is something I didn’t think I’d get to experience in my lifetime. For that, I am so grateful to the makers of Ignorance-3000!

Customer #3:
I love it! I love it! The Ignorance-3000 just clears any tolerance away, exactly like they say. Just the other day, I had a job interview, and I took the Ignorance-3000 with me, and, oh my goodness, the results were fantastic. I didn’t get the job! My potential employer  insisted that because of the colour of my skin, it was blasphemous of me to think they’d hire me. I left their office, feeling like I’d never felt before. It was truly a humbling, and wonderful experience that I feel everyone should have at least once in their life! Go and try the Ignorance-3000 right now!

Well, there you have it folks. You heard it here. The ignorance-3000 can change your life, so what are you waiting for!?
Limited quantities only, so order now! Operators are standing by. Simply place your order at 604-123-4567 and with just 8 easy payments of $49.99, the Ignorance-3000 CAN be yours…
Freaky, huh?


Sad China said...

Congrats on winning first place!

I laughed a couple times while reading.

Very nicely done :D

Okay, to reply to your list:
1) TANKS FOR NOTICING!! I really HAVE changed up my style. More girly now. Shame on me, I know. I can't help it. My mind is telling me that I should LIKE lace and pink and frills and cute things and DISLIKE chains and black eyeliner and ripped tights and shizz. Weird huh. I'm sure it's just a phase tho...


3) Omgosh we might even meet up in a year lol. I'm graduating in '11! :D I'm not ENTIRELY sure yet on pursuing journalism... OR going to UBC. I might want to go somewhere closer like Trinity Western. But that's just so expensive... Or even Toronto! But it's far... and I'm a scaredy cat. :/

4) French is dumb. You made the right choice lol. I hate it, but it's mandatory for IB kids. Either French or Mandarin. (The only language I hate learning more than French, is Mandarin lol. Which is my mother tongue. Go figure.)

5) GG Season 3 was the worst, imo. But I think you should start watching Season 4!!! It looks so good and yummy.

controlled chaos said...

They really should hire you for infomercials. You could be the next Shamwow guy.
Or is it Sham wow?


Unknown said...


(new post: Red Heels & follow me)

Mademoiselle Ruta said...

This was an amazing post. You should be a writer or something. Actually, are you planning on getting into writing? Because you should.

Don't forget to enter my Lucky Brand earrings giveaway!

Raez said...

you're seriously the next billy mays/sham wow guy!

xx raez

Shahirah Elaiza said...

Looks like Urooba did it again.

Congrats on winning and on just being... you =)