Tuesday, January 25, 2011

What Not to Watch

*What Not to Wear is a fairly well-known makeover reality show hosted by two stylists, Stacey and Clinton, who give themselves way too much credit. Ambushing unsuspecting victims (who, to be fair, have committed abominable fashion crimes) with their coiffed hairstyles and voices with unusual and distinctively annoying timbres, their sole (ha!) mission is to strip personality from every individual’s wardrobe and mould an army of generically dressed people, under their limited definition of stylish.  

However, witnessing the hysteria that is usually involved with detaching frumpy 45 year old women from their beloved Mickey Mouse denim and paisley overalls makes What not to Wear slightly justifiable, in terms of tuning in for it. If you find yourself doing just that, it is of utmost importance to note that what you wear whilst watching ‘What Not to Wear’ is also of particular significance.

Let us tackle the uniform that must be donned, one region of the human physique at a time.

1. The lower half: Denim jeans are a viable option. It is preferable you don the most expensive pair you own. A pair that enabled you to spend more time with a complete stranger than is deemed necessary. This complete stranger being, the sales clerk that is trained to make you believe that your denim must have your genetic code ingrained in it. It must lift your buttocks (but not so much they’re too perky), must slim your buttocks (but not so much they’re too flat), must define your curves (but not so much so your hips looks too wide), must trim your wide hips (but not so much so that you give the illusion of no curves)…These contradictory statements dispelled at you are simply a test of your intelligence. The more you’ve paid for your jeans, the more you’ve fallen into the lure of a part-time employee’s marketing tactics. However, fear not! Stacey and Clinton will tell you that that is okay! That’s why the suburban moms on the show are sent to shop at stores they normally cannot afford to go to. After all, the more you spend, the better you look in the end, right? Questioning this would distract you from attentively watching ‘What Not to Wear’, so it is best if you simply just don your most pricey pair of jeans.

2. The upper half: Ditto. Wear something expensive. Perhaps a blazer you paid $80 too much for. Or a basic t-shirt that you could’ve bought for $9 at most major retailers, but opted to buy at another place that sold it for $97. Remember, you don’t want to be reminded of how the thriftiness that is innately rooted in you is limiting your style capabilities. Watching ‘What Not to Wear’ in clothes you got a great bargain for, could do just that.

3. [real advice, as opposed to prior pseudo-advice] The final touch: Mix in one piece that is inherently ‘you’. This is a remedy for the ‘stylish fashion clone’ effect that Stacey and Clinton are experts in bringing about. Perhaps it is a floral, shoulder-padded jacket that rendered gasps of disgust from your peers in high school, or maybe it is the intricately sequined and beaded vest that makes your best friend shudder in horror at the sight of, or it is simply that purple wool-knit scarf that others have come to associate you with. Wear that piece. Flaunt that piece. Rub that piece in Stacey and Clinton’s obnoxious faces!

And finally, be proud if someone ever nominates you to appear on ‘What Not to Wear’.  Seriously, you're doing something right.
I'd rather look like this, than be styled by Stace + Clin

 
{I feel majorly disconnected from my blog at the moment. Real life is getting in the way of my cyber one. [What!?!? I don't even know who you are anymore!?] This piece aims to:
  • ensure y'all I'm alive
  • iterate my philosophy on 'reality makeover' shows (my dislike is apparent, yes?), specifically 'What not to Wear', as I was reminded of some concepts outlined in here, from a class discussion today
  • as a means of distraction, as my mama has gone to Stupidstore to buy me some deodorant, because without it I have been unable to shower (!!!)}
Video and outfit post coming soon!
Stay tuned! 
xoxo

3 comments:

myvintagehijab said...

haha! Im suddenly thankful that im nowhere close to being ambushed here in Sg.
Btw Is that shaving cream, face cream or actual edible cream on you? Mustve been hell getting it off!

Sluff said...

haha funny post! and OMGGGG i feel like i'm disconnected from the online world as well! toooo much real life going on haha

Emina said...

great post totaly agree with you..greetings from Bosnia